Journal Entry, August 23, 2010
Summer will soon pass. Fall has already made herself known through the subtle changing of leaves and the early crickets and cicadas. My favorite time of the year ends too quickly while the anguish of this stubborn vertebra/spine condition continues its incessant misery. I refuse to allow this difficult trial to overcome me and I continue to stand form in my faith as well as touching deeply the people who come through my life.
These times and people are the fodder that make my book, life and story so compelling. Baby step by baby step, I make progress with my 5 book series, “Arise From Your Grave!” Sue Ross, my mentor and publicist has been very supportive as we draft the details of my business plan. Amazing that I go through my darkness and she has just recently gone through hers. Now she is truly able to empathize with my illness.
My music has still been a sad area as I put it one the back burner of my spirit. Seeing and listening to the quality of other artists recordings only rubs salt in my wounds. I wonder why God didn’t allow me to be surrounded and tutored by knowledgeable collaborators and musicians who knew what the current sound is. These have had the luxury of enjoying their honing of their craft, going to music college, having professional music lessons and having parents or friends in the business to help them polish their art. Amazing the vibrant health to be able to tour and travel to shows and stay up late hobnobbing with the finest. I know if God gave me the chance, I could be a Celine Dion.
My flesh lusts after great health and polished collaborators, producers and engineers, but I brush aside the need less sadness that I know is the enemy trying to make me look backwards! That is always His device, to make us lust after the garlic and the leeks of EGYPT, lol! .
So I cherish the funeral services I’ve sung at, holding hands with weeping family members and sitting at the feet of Jesus. I thank God for the opportunity to give a 89 year old man, walking with a cane in the rain, down Route 70. I’m driving a BMW sport car, but I’m just like that old man, broken, needy and so in need of Jesus grace.
This is my 12 year delivering telephone books for PDC. This time, rather than ask God why I’m not on tour and performing at Carnegie Hall, I thank Him for His presence and for being able to get my favorites routes in the areas I like. Each year, I find beautiful furniture left out on the curb or make a new friends for life. I love the fresh air, exercise and being with my little cat, Peewee. A girl couldn’t ask for more.
Yes, the road has been, (and still is) so long. I go to bed at night and believe that tomorrow I ‘ll no longer have the horrendous cracking in my jaw and the unbearable fatigue. Less and less, I’m asking God not to let me wake up in the morning.
When I visited Daddy and Cruz, my Aunt Brenda had come from North Jersey to visit. Three of my other precious aunts called me up, specifically to pray for me. One of my aunts said she prays for me everyday. As well as dear brothers and sisters from my churches and my artist/musicians friends online. Only God knows all the people praying for me.
I look forward to learning about the mysterious craft of pop songwriting with my new friend Clif, a gifted songwriter. Since he's come into Mark's and my life, he's shown an interest in helping me to hone my artist as a mentor and guide. Had Clif been my music mentor ten years ago, where would I be?
I think about these things...the loss of my health, the long passage of time, my age and the wasted money and resources because of creating without the proper guidance and tools. I’ve learned now to be grateful for the smallest thing. Most of all, I have a compassion and pity for those who have nothing, no destiny, no plan and no hope. Struggling, lacking, failing and suffering teaches you to be compassionate and eager to guide, nurture and help others soar into their destiny...because you know what it’s like to have everything against you.
I pray that everyday, I will immediately put myself in another’s shoes...imagine what it’s like and God will take it from there!
